Sometimes, relationships can go dry and emotionless with a serious need to re-ignite the fire that have once bound the couple together. These are some things to do to keep you going.
For three years, I had the most perfect marriage in the entire world. I never set out to brag about it, but it’s really hard not to. We loved each other.
We liked each other. We finished each other’s sandwiches, sentences and Starbucks (he was the slowest drinker on the planet). We left each other love notes every day. We surprised each other with the exact same gift on more than one occasion (Sleater-Kinney tickets, the Wes Anderson coffee table book and Gaslight Anthem tickets).
We were only married for three years but he died. So I’m telling that if you have a person to text about anything, or a person to play with your hair while you watch TV and eat three bowls of ice cream, or a person to remind you to book the dentist appointment you’ve been postponing for like 100 years, consider yourself lucky.
As someone who’s lost their person, here’s what I want you to tell yours. Every day, if you can.
1. “Here’s what I really want…”
So many people are romantically crippled by this weird idea that it’s somehow bad to tell people what you want, specifically if the person in question is a man. Um, no. If what you want is to have your hair pulled in bed, or have an exclusive relationship with the guy you’ve been casually seeing for a few weeks, or to just have your partner of ten years take the trash out on a regular basis, say so. Just open your mouth and say it. No, it’s not “too pushy” or “too needy,” and in my experience, men in particular seem to really appreciate being handed a road map to your happiness. Nothing destroys a relationship like unmet expectations that were never verbalized. If the success of a relationship is contingent on your bottling up your feelings and expectations, it’s time to find a new one.
2. “I choose you.”
A relationship is a choice that you make every day. How cool is that, to keep picking each other over and over and over again, even though you have to see each other’s toothpaste spit in the sink and he has definitely sleep farted on your leg? Letting one another know that you’re happy to have each other, and that being together is a choice you have made, is romantic.
3. “I love [INSERT VERY SPECIFIC AND SUBTLE QUALITY OF THEIRS HERE].”
Chances are, you know the highlights of why your person loves you: you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re a hot babe. But the best parts of love grow in those quiet little places, like how he makes that weird little face as he tries to open a jar of pickles for you, or how he always knows the cardinal directions, even in a city he’s never been in. Those little ways you love someone are worth noticing, and worth telling.
4. “I appreciate you.”
Eventually, relationships fall into a series of comfortable rhythms. He makes the popcorn while you queue up Netflix. You make the coffee while she wipes up the kitchen counters. He tucks the kids in while you put on 16 different face masks at night. All of these mundane things are secretly so special: they’re the basis of your relationship together, the little things you’d miss about the other person should one of you be hit by a bus or die of cancer. Whatever you appreciate about this person, say it. And say it as often as you think it — it costs you zero dollars and it’s a great investment.
5. “Hi, that hurt my feelings please don’t do it again.”
I mean, hopefully you don’t need to say this one every single day, but when the person you love hurts your feelings, you kind of need to tell them. Life is short, so don’t waste time holding onto small resentments. Just get them out there, so the sun can destroy them like the little relationship vampires that they are.
6. “I like you.”
Love is great and all, but liking someone is so much more important. Liking someone is the best, and while saying “I love you” eventually becomes a reflex you spit out before you end a phone call or leave the house, reminding someone how much you like them is like reminding them how much you appreciate them: a totally different level of admiration, and one that’s always worth reminding each other of.
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